I don't see what's wrong with Google.
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway."
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils." - Louis Hector Berlioz
"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings."
"If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment." -- Dave Allen
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was "You'll never find anyone like me again!" I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you."
"I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying." - Oscar Wilde